Starting out with the wrong foot first AKA At odds - already - with Lisa AKA Be a Duck...
The details don’t matter. They are petty. But the bottom line is that
Lisa, the other crew, and I do not currently get along. She rubs me the wrong
way and I bristle. She tries to bully me and it gets my back up. I don’t give
in to her but I don’t like the situation. It’s not comfortable. I am always
waiting for her next criticism, biting my tongue to resist responding, and then
walking around trying to hide my irritation.
I have pretty much committed to Sven to staying on the boat for four
months but, at present, I can’t see that it would be enjoyable. I like Sven. I
respect him. A lot. His boat is fantastic and I am sure he is an excellent
sailor. He is going exotic places. But I just can’t stand Lisa and don’t know
if I want to spend four months in close confinement with her. Life seems so
short at the moment that I don’t want to waste it waiting on edge for a trivial
and uncalled for comment to come out of nowhere and slap me in the face, gritting
my teeth, grinning and bearing it. Tuesday I snapped at her. Wednesday, after
being reprimanded literally 3 seconds after I got up, I called a boat meeting,
stated that I found the situation unpleasant, and suggested a solution. Sven
backed me up both in public and in private. But Lisa continues on her merry
way. She can’t help it. It is how she is. I want to be happy. I want to spend
my time in a congenial atmosphere. And I don’t know if I can fix the dynamics
here or if they are doomed. So Thursday I write her an e-mail (and store it as
a draft). I fear it would only make the situation worse but it expresses my
opinion clearly. I hope I have the strength not to send it.
Lisa,
I meant what I said yesterday. I actively resent continuous petty
criticisms. I am not perfect, I am far from perfect, I will never be perfect. I
will make many mistakes every day, but, oddly, I do not wish to have them all
pointed out to me as the day goes along. Obviously if something is immediately
important, please tell me, if, for example, I am washing potatoes in the ‘poo
pot’, or if something is leaking, or if a sail needs adjusting, let me know
right away and I will correct it at once. But the little things I do wrong,
like misplacing the ginger in the spice cabinet… please, simply write down any
of my errors you feel compelled to share and give me a list once a day for me
to read at my leisure, because, frankly, I do not want to feel constantly bombarded
with an accounting of my failings.
Thank you,
Emily.
I am sure much of it is my fault. I know how prickly I am, how difficult to get along with… but…
Currently I am tempted to take my backpack out and pack it up, slowly head north, over land, rather than going west, over the water…
Then something amazing happens; Lisa gives Sven a small packet of gummy
bears for Easter. “DON’T eat them all
at once,” she commands, “and DON’T
put them in your pocket.” I hear her, think that she sounds downright nasty, as
usual, and yet somehow manage to interpret that what she means is, ‘I got you these
as a token of my love, Sven, even though I know you are on a very strict diet.’
I am also very aware that if the exact same comments were directed at me I
would hear only the bossiness of her tone and implied criticism of her words
and not notice, at all, any kind intent behind them.
I talk to Ben, my oldest son and best sounding board, about the
situation and he makes a couple of salient comments. He says he would put a low
probability on Lisa’s manner changing, that my best tactic is to be a duck and
let her words run like water off my back. He also says that he hopes, if I do
go on this trip, that my experiences on the
boat will be defined and dominated by grander things.
I like it, do a 180 turn in my thinking, and decide that I will, afterall, go
sailing with Dana, that every time Lisa snaps at me I will remember the gummy
bear incident and that my mantra will be, “Be
a duck and let grander things dominate.”
