Ha. The joke is on me. I said, in
my first blog entry, “I feel the
need to sit somewhere quiet once again (I have chosen to do so on a boat this
time instead of beside a rock) and consider what to do next.” and well, I never would have
guessed it, but here I am sitting beside a rock. I am in McDonalds, of course,
because here in Europe McDonalds provide free internet, and out my window I can
see the rock of Gibraltar. It has been there for over a month. Yes, we have
hopped across the strait and back, but we have not really gone anywhere, we are
waiting for weather, and so I sit beside a rock. At least I enjoy both the view
and the irony.
(Total aside - The McDonalds across
the other side of the strait in Ceuta was actually quite interesting. Ceuta,
being in a strategic location right where the Mediterranean meets the Atlantic,
has been occupied and fought over for at least 2500 years by a wide variety of
different peoples. At one point the Portuguese owned it and installed forts,
walls, moats and other such battlements. The McDonalds is built into one part
of those old walls. It comes with an authentic turret from centuries ago!)
It is quite peaceful here, despite
the fact that we haven’t started sailing yet - we were supposed to leave weeks
ago but the weather is horrible and shows no signs of improving – and in
between doing chores on the boat, being a tourist, reading, getting on with
daily life, and walking back and forth to McDonalds, I have had lots of time to
‘consider’.
Unfortunately, I am nowhere yet.
I have not decided, at all, if I am
going to fight to put my marriage back together. I have not decided, at all, if
I am going to go on teaching – something I am very mediocre at but which would,
if I stuck it out till I was 95, give me at least a bit of a pension. I have
not decided, at all, if I am going to continue to live in Deep River, where
there are both dark clouds and silver linings, or if I am going to put the past
behind me and try, despite my advanced age, to start all over anew somewhere
else. I have not decided, at all, how much travelling I would like to do before
I settle down. I have not decided, at all, if I want to stay on my own or to
try, again, to form a partnership to fill the next 25 years.
I spent (about) 25 years being a kid,
going to school, starting out, and then I spent 25 years (about) raising my own
kids, and now I have (about, I hope, knock on wood) 25 years to do what I want
to do while I will still be healthy, and then I will have, I assume, given
family genetics, 25 years (about) during which time I will be getting old and
dying. I am supposed to be considering the coming 25 years. But I am not
getting much planning done. Despite sitting, as I mentioned, beside a rock.
Our boat has gone nowhere. My
considering has gone nowhere. I would like to think that there is a connection
between the two but fear this is not so.
Most days it rains. If it is only drizzling I go out. I walked around
the rock yesterday, in the spitting rain, for lack of anything better to do (we
have polished brass and cleaned the portholes and can only read our kindles so
many hours a day) and made it home in time for lunch, which was a bit
disappointing.
I am going in circles, on the boat,
with my feet, in my mind.
I am nowhere yet.
