Alternate title: Making a mountain out of a molehill and
relating the issue of the day to my life in general…
When you are living in close contact with another older set-in-their-ways
person, particularly someone you have no emotional connection to, little
annoyances can be blown out of proportion into issues. Meals on the boat have
just become such an issue. Usually, on boats, in my experience, the crew take
turns cooking and everyone just eats what is served to them. Favourites are ‘oohed’
and ‘aahed’ over and therefore more likely to be repeated. Disasters are
conceded by the cook and shrugged off by the rest as stuff that happens. I had
hoped that that was how we would work on this boat especially as HS had stated
explicitly up front that he didn’t want us to each cook our own food, he wanted
us to have communal meals. (For several real reasons – it is friendlier, it
saves on the gas required to cook, there is only room for one in the galley at
a time so it is just easier…) Unfortunately he is very particular about what he
eats and he only likes German food which is both spicy and saucy. There are not
a lot of such recipes in my repertoire. I cooked spaghetti one night, which he
said had too many vegetables in it, and then chili another, which he said
wasn’t saucy enough, and then grilled chicken breasts, which were too dry... I
offered to make omelettes one night, but he doesn’t like breakfast for supper,
or sausages, but he finds them too greasy, or curry, but he doesn’t like that,
or stir-fried rice with meat and veg, which he claims is not a meal. I
suggested he let me cook ten days in a row and he rate my meals but he said he
didn’t want to eat even one meal that he didn’t like and he said he didn’t
trust me to cook things he would like to eat. He suggested that he do all the
cooking and I do all the dishes. I said that that didn’t sound fair to me, that
it seemed more work for him, but that if that was what he wanted I would go
along with it. Sigh. So then, everyday, he asks what I want for supper. I have
taken to giving non-answers such as ‘whatever you want is fine with me’ because
every time he asked and I gave a suggestion it was rejected. Today in port we
were shopping and he asked, as usual, what we were going to do for supper. I
suggested he discuss with the girls – our new crew - what they might like. He
didn’t. Five minutes later he asked me again what we should have for supper. I
had been very sea sick on our last passage, had slept about an hour during the
night, was tired and not in a diplomatic mood, so I said, ‘HS, you don’t like
anything I cook, I am willing to eat anything you make, but each time you have asked
for input and I gave it you rejected it so I have decided to stop giving any.’
Oooh. Not, perhaps, what one is supposed to say to a captain. He was not happy
with this comment of mine, wanted to argue it, and so I went on to summarize
most of what is written above, which, of course, did not make him any happier. He
said it was his boat and that he wanted to eat what he wanted to eat. I agreed
that that was fair but repeated that if he was not going to accept any input
from me wrt what we ate then I did not want to be asked for it. We might have started
circling in our argument, but at that point he, perhaps more diplomatic than I,
pointed out that we were both tired and stated it was maybe not the time to
discuss the situation. Sigh. I had hoped to avoid any such confrontation and am
not pleased that I allowed myself to be pulled into one. However, perhaps if we
have a following part to the discussion, we will come to some solution that everyone
is willing to live with. I am not sure, at this point, what that will be.
Next morning….
I don’t care, at all, of course, what the outcome to this
issue is. I am on the boat for four months, half of which has gone by, and I
am, truly, happy to eat anything for that four months. I am certain that HS and
I will not carry on any type of relationship after this time, that I will not
sail with him again and that we are unlikely even to maintain contact. This
spiraling of details out of control into issues is however, unfortunately, the
sort of thing that often happens in my relationships, my life, which is why I
am looking at it. It starts, it seems to me, with me trying to please, being
too passive, willing to do almost anything for the other party in the beginning,
and yet, at the same time, resenting that I am, from my point of view, doing
more ‘conceding’ to make the
relationship work… So what do I learn from this. I learn that I have to be, if
not more assertive, then more self-assured, right off the beginning, start out,
certainly, the way I want to continue, be more ‘honest’ if you will about who I
really am and what I really want.
In other news I have decided (and am pretty sure) that I am
going to stay in Deep River. Wherever you go, there you are, and I have a
couple of good friends in Deep River, many acquaintances, and a few family ties.
I also have, which is not irrelevant, a job there, several sports groups I have
belonged to for years, and a favourite beach. It is the place I was born in,
the place I grew up in, the place I chose to bring my kids up it. Its major
downfall is that my past failures haunt me there; my failed relationships with my
family of origin, my lack of success at building a career, and my inability to
sustain a thriving partnership with a POOSSLQ. But running away from these
failures would not, I have come to decide, in any way solve them. I can choose
to face them, or continue to ignore them, but I might as well carry on my life
there.
In other news, I have decided (and am pretty sure) that I am
going to keep my job as a teacher at Mackenzie. It represents financial security,
gives me a certain social standing I am comfortable with, and it comes with an
unparalleled Friday lunch group who are happy to laugh with me but also willing
to listen to me cry. That said, if it turns out I am redundant on and off for
half of the next decade I will be just as happy!
In other news I have decided (and am pretty sure) that I want
to travel significantly. I will regret to my dying day that I did not take my
own kids and sail the world with them but I cannot change that and do not want
my life to be shadowed by regrets. Instead I want to look at the present and
future with optimism. I have very much enjoyed seeing the places I have seen so
far on this trip; the architecture, the landscape, the living conditions of
people who live there. I have very much enjoyed meeting the people I have met.
This is something I want to do more of. I have the time, I have the money, I
want to take my little red camera and wander some more, and if, one day, I
happen to drink three cups of tea and discover a way to help out in one small
corner of the world so much the better.
In other news I have decided (and am pretty sure) that I would
be happier with a partner to share the next 25 years with but that that would
only be true if it were someone with whom I could have an equal relationship.
My situation with HS is extreme – his boat, his itinerary, his way of setting
sails, of choosing meals – but, as mentioned above, a wee bit too close,
nonetheless, to too many other experiences in my life in which I have been
overwhelmed by the personality of the person with whom I have tried to get
along. Geoff, for obvious reasons, would be my first choice as a life partner,
but I do not know, at all, what his opinion on this might be. I will therefore
attempt to rebuild my marriage in our new childless, and hopefully therefore
more equal, state. If it works it does, but if it does not I will walk away
content, carry on with my life, do the things I want to do, and see if there is
anyone else out there who might want to join me in some of my experiences.
Today my goals are simple; obtain a Brazilian visa, sort out
my super issues with HS, visit the little museum of shipwreck items recommended
by the guide book. It will be, I am sure, a good day.
Friday we leave the last of the Islands in Cape Verde which we
are going to visit and head across the ocean to Brazil. Yes!
